n-way set associative cache

you showed me a coding challenge once that wanted you to implement this
truth be told i didn't really understand the problem or what caches are
truth be told i dont really understand so many problems and concepts and theories and terms

i was vulnerable to you
i loved you so and i love you still

a thought:
- you were right that i didn't put you first. i'm sorry for hanging up when my friends would come in. you weren't my #1, maybe in my heart you were but i didn't let you be. it probably made you feel shitty.

i still think maybe in the summer, maybe when we're spatially local
all my memories replay through a rose-coloured lens
sickly sweet like flan on my tongue

5:21

June 10th 2017

you've got me like putty in your hands
jello shots down the back of my throat
sugar sweetness
dissolving, solving
a rubix cube in 23 seconds
a sugar cube on Jericho's tongue

Bojack on the telly, us on the couch, nothing between us but skin and love
your fingertips like porcupine quills
dipped in ember ink, leaving ashy prints on my
skin
clasp it with your nails, colour me red with your cigarettes
sunset streaks across blemished brown
I'm rice-paper
thin
you see right through me

the chimney sweeper William Blake
we make plans but you always flake
you come at me with Backstabs and shoulder Blades
sun tzu on your mind, thirty years in wait
i'm your enemy but you're not mine

you never were

rebounds celebrated on court but not in courtship i ask you am i?
Am I correction tape on your mistakes Are these charcoal scars peeled graphite layers Will you ever write my name on the surface of your heart or
am i just

the morning after shooters
the new year resolutions
the we should hang outs
the buffet muscle distensions
the "how do i unsend an email"

my report cards remind me of you
how many letters are in the alphabet?

i held you closer than smoke in my lungs
almost transparent with my chloroform blues

The Impacts of Gut Flora on Autism

The saying goes, "We are what we eat."

Does that mean that our choice of food impacts our personality, or does it point to a more insidious meaning that what we actually consume affects the person we become?

It is commonly assumed that much like mitochondria, the brain is the leader of the body. It controls our muscles to make us move, our nerves to make us feel, our hormones to make us cry. It tells each of the bodily systems what to do, and how to act. However, have you ever considered that our systems can actually communicate with the brain, and give the brain instructions as well? This notion of top-down communication from the brain is ingrained in many minds, however recent studies have shown that there is actually bi-directional communication between the gut and the brain. This so-called "gut-brain axis" allows the gut to control the brain by regulating the level of neurotransmitters that are digested and absorbed in the bloodstream. For example, elevated stress levels are directly associated with an increase in cortisol levels, but which bodily system is in charge of breaking down that cortisol? That's right, the digestive system. A dysfunctioning digestive system can be responsible for reducing amounts of neurotransmitter bloodstream absorption causing changes in emotion. These dysfunctions are usually connected to an imbalance of gut flora. The gut contains a lawn of bacteria commonly referred to as gut flora, and missing certain species of bacteria can lead to stomach discomfort and altered gut function.

So what does gut flora have to do with Autism? While it seems like a stretch, some of the most common symptoms of Autism Spectrum Disorder are related to the digestive system such as unoptimal digestion or irritable bowel syndrome. While the exact biological causes of Autism are not identified yet, Autism mainly affects childrens' cognitive and social behavior which points to a neurophysiological basis. Therefore, the levels of neurotransmitters in the brain probably has somewhat of an impact on autism severity. And what regulates neurotransmitters? Yup, the gut. Further, several studies have shown that when autistic children were given pills to stabilize their gut flora, there was a significant long-term decrease in autistic severity. This conclusion points to a significant affect of gut flora on autism, and looking at the bigger picture, brain activity. 

So next time you decide to get that ice-cream, might want to second guess or you might get a brain freeze.

To learn more about this subject, feel free to email me or check out this cool journal paper https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4362231/

On Victoria's Secret Fashion Show

So as the days approach Christmas, yet another Victoria's Secret Fashion Show rolls around. I first discovered this glorious display of gorgeous women in beautiful, glittery outfits (read: lingerie) when I was maybe 9 or 10 flipping through television shows at 2am and there was a rebroadcast of the probably 2008 show. I watched in awe as the models strutted down the runway wearing leaves, ribbons, and of course, wings.

So maybe I started getting this ridiculous notion, this ridiculous aspiration that someday, I would like to be up there too. Up there in the shining lights, sashaying down in my satin and lace. When people asked me what I wished to be, maybe I embarrassingly answered, "Victoria's Secret Angel!" But puberty was not kind to me, and I turned out to be about 9 inches too short to even contemplate anything close to modeling, not to mention my lack of curves or pleasant features. But back before harsh reality, I thought that maybe there was a chance. Unfortunately, this was also back before I moved to America and realized that skin color makes a difference in the way people treat you and back before I realized the size of my eyes differ inferiorly to my peers.

In 2012 or 2013, Victoria's Secret took a step towards me, by walking their first Asian model. Yes, out of the 50-ish women who walk the show each year, it took 8 years for one of those 50 to be Asian. I was so proud, happy even, to have Liu Wen represent the dreams of mini me as she walked down that catwalk. But there's a part of me that wonders, did they cast Liu Wen because she's a world class supermodel and the highest paid Asian model, or because she's Asian? Because out of all the Instagram pictures posted by VS, only one of them featured the Asian models. Featured all (except one) actually, with the fucking caption "你好。” My RACE, my CULTURE, my fucking ethnicity, heritage, IDENTITY, is not an excuse for you to claim diversity. You can't just throw an Asian model onto your catwalk so you can say you're not fucking racist, so you can attract the Asian shoppers. Is it possible to look past the fact that I'm Asian? Liu Wen, Ming Xi, should not be labeled and pigeonholed as 'Asian'. They are more than that. I'm more than that. I don't see any pictures for Adriana Lima captioned "Pao de Queso," because she's more than just Brazilian.

This year, out of the 51 models who walked 4 of them were Asian. Yet, in DailyMail's recent snapchat news about Gigi Hadid's wardrobe malfunction which also featured pictures of at least 15 models, not one of them were Asian. They even had pictures of the performance acts. I saw that, I got a little pissy. So I tried to see if there was a way I could send an aggressive email to them indicating my displeasure, and ended up on the DailyMail celebrity Twitter page. I saw that they had posted several stories covering the fashion show, featuring at least 25 models. They even had a story regarding Shanina Shaik's snapchat story of her using a filter. Sorry, who's that?

Yet not ONE of those stories were on the Asian models. Not one picture featured them. NOT ONE. Shanina has like 12k likes on instagram, about 1/5 of Liu Wen's regular likes. Liu Wen is a fucking supermodel, and she can't even get a news story on her, while Shanina gets on for using the cat filter. Even in DailyMail's scoop about VS culturally appropriating Asian cultures, they did not include a single picture of the Asian models. All Kendall, Gigi, Bella. Literally what the fuck.

I angrily responded to their tweets, and they promptly deleted my replies with radio silence.

Alright beyond this, I also have some upset feelings about the direction the VS show is going. It seems to be less of a showcase of modeling ability and nice lingerie, but more tabloid fodder. I remember when getting wings was a privilege, a sign of achievement and reward for the established Angels. In fact, they even did a segment one year when Chanel got her first pair of wings, which were a pretty simple pair of white wings iirc. It used to be a selection process to pick the models. They had to have a good attitude, and exemplify the meaning of being an model, of representing VS. But now, it's just fucking Kendall Jenner and the Hadid sisters, who have amazing bodies, but are they of the same calibre as Adriana Lima, or Candice? And, on their very first show, they get wings. Huge, feathery, glittery, extravagant affairs. It's not fair for those who worked to get their wings. It's not fair that the Asian models didn't get wings, or barely got them. VS died with Gisele Bundchen and Tyra Banks and Heidi Klum.

I'm just disappointed that my dream job, the angels I aspired to be, are complete jokes.

Electronic Lilies

You light up
like the statue of liberty
the Top of the world
Scaling through
the ridges the no bars the always entries
left ventricle right ventricle
to the Top of my
heart

When I'm with you
my eyes are always puffy
squinted and narrowed
formed into curves of girlish crushes

This cloud of sadness that settles over
dining at dusk
a promise a plan
a date?

She said a friendship can't be sustained if
feelings
are involved

Cherries and hot tea

Like a chocolate fountain 

An unhygienic free for all at a cheap buffet

Smoke caught in the back of our throats

A gulp of cold air to force it through our lungs

Wisps whispering at 2 am

Tiny cold breaths collapsing on our faces

The world in playback 

In a playbook I could control

But not reverse

Moonlit boy

Why do you burn me like paper?

Feed me in like ghost money

Wisps whispering at 3 am

Expectant eyes gaze on

Laughter but not with me

A month in furlong

Worlds apart but we always were

You never tried to build a bridge

I’ve tried to scale my wall

But you poured molten chocolate down the sides

Coated me in sweet sadness

Left me clinging to diabetic memories

A cavity in my canine 

Reasons why I will not date you

To boys that bleed with their skin turned inside-out,

1. I don't like boys who remind me of my twelve year old brother

2. You are shorter than me, yet you are five inches taller

3. You slice and eat unwashed apples with the fruit stickers still on

4. Where is your motivation?

5. We are too much alike in all the wrong ways